Aint Lurrrrv Grand

Having just painstakingly scrutinised this year's 'Pages of Love' in the local daily for Valentine's Day, I came to the conclusion that people were playing it much too safe nowadays. No flair or individuality - just soppy messages of gushing love. A few veiled sexual references, but not nearly as much fun as a few years back. Is it the GFC? Have Romeos lost their ability to compose trashy poems? Is the world taking itself way too seriously?
Anyway, I've decided to re-post an earlier MySpace Blog offering..
Enjoy.

Aint Luurrv Grand

Well it's 5 pm on Valentine's Day, so I've got seven hours left before I accept my flowerless, cardless state and hit the wine bottle.

To console myself I waded through all the Valentine's Day messages in the morning paper (14 pages under the banner 'Messages of Love').

Nup...no Diannes ( I think they stopped producing Diannes in the 50s), so I'm claiming all those addressed to 'Honey', 'Babe' and 'Princess'. I wondered about 'Complex Vixen'. Hmm...possible, 'cept I don't know anyone called 'Bugs'. If I change my name to Rhonda I can have How dare you Rhonda, how dare you be so beautiful.

Anon X got my name wrong: What a stunner...what a shame you will never be mine. Well, Anon X, if you happen to fit in to my rigid criteria, (16-60, some remaining hair and most of your teeth), we might be able to come to some arrangement.

I'm pretty jealous of Kirsti. Her man's really going to get a hard time from his workmates for this little efort:
If I gave you ten roses and said hold them up to a mirror, you would see eleven of the most beautiful things in the world,

Poetry is pretty popular:

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Your boobs look good
And your bum does too
It's been a long wait and it's finally here
So you have a Kahlua and I'll have a beer
You look in the paper for words that are true
Now there's no words truer than I love you
So after 12 years it wasn't that hard
But I did pay for it with your credit card

Now Terry H (aka Hairy Monster)'s wife has seized this opportunity to broach a very delicate subject. Lot of pressure on Terry tonight.

First there was you and meThen we became threeI know it sounds scaryBut I've been thinking Mr HairyThat we should become fourI know you said you didn't want any more,But for Valentine's Day, What would you sayTo a roll in the hay?One decent swimmer is all I will needSo tonight in bedI don't want you to readDon't worry my love that you're getting too oldIt's a beautiful story so far that we've told

I can hear my Grandmother tut tutting from her grave - 'that brazen little hussy'. I love the way she puts in the ego boost about his masculinity and sexual prowess. Very sneaky.

Someone called Peter has been a very naughty boy:
You two-timed with your ex-wife and broke up with me by e-mail, but I still love you. PS return my stuff.

Daniela needs a medical check up urgently. She has the following alarming symptoms:
A tightness in my chest arrives with every thought of you and my feelings continue to grow stronger every day

And this man has a strange (kinky?) way of expressing his love:
Every day just like our puppy I still pee in my pants seeing you again and holding you in my arms.
Highly unsanitary, and he'd better stay away from her in public.

But my prize this year goes to Bill:

I can't see nobody, my eyes can only look at you.

Run that by me again!